"Many Muslim-Americans are outraged over how Muslims are being depicted on the new season of the Fox show "24”. A Fox spokesman said, "If they’re upset now, they should see how they are portrayed on Fox News.”

-Conan O'Brien

"I got some details on Lindsay Lohan’s rehab facilities. They have an onsite gourmet chef, personal trainers, beauty consultants, swimming pools, yoga, meditation . . . But you’re only allowed to leave to go to work, parties, weddings, and Lake Havasu for spring break. I was planning to take a trip to Cabo San Lucas this summer, but now, I’m thinking maybe I’ll become an alcoholic instead."

-Jimmy Kimmel

""Forbes” magazine has released its list of the 20 richest women in show business and Oprah is number one. Numbers two through twenty belonged to people in her audience."

-Conan O'Brien

"A research group has found that many of Wal-Mart’s advertised organic foods are not organic. So they are now suing Wal-Mart. Maybe the first clue that it wasn’t organic was that it was found at Wal-Mart?!"

-Jay Leno

"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack Obama. Experts say that this is risky for Jackson because not much rhymes with Obama."

-Conan O Brien

"Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president ... if you don't count James Buchanan."

-David Letterman

"In Cambodia, a woman was found who lived alone in the jungle for 20 years and who speaks an unintelligible language. They don't know what she's saying. Experts are predicting she will soon move to America and become the next governor of California."

-Conan O'Brien