"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze. "
-Conan O'Brien
"Paris is free ladies and gentlemen. She was let out of jail last night. Now she has a record. She has a record. Which sounds bad, but it doesn’t sound nearly as bad as her CD. But the record is bad."
-Jay Leno
"So hot today, the hookers in Times Square were handing out frozen condoms. So hot Jason Giambi tested positive for gelato. It’s so hot, Michael Moore went to Iceland for healthcare. "
-David Letterman
"Paris has been liberated. Didn’t we go through this like three weeks ago? She’s finished her sentence, she has been rehabilitated. Now she can go back to doing — whatever the hell she does. What does she do?"
-Craig Ferguson
"Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They’ve asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don’t want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, 'Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking about running for president again. Nader says he rejects the term "spoiler.” Still a lot better than 'loser.'"
-Jay Leno
" Yankees’ Jason Giambi has told Major League Baseball he will testify about his own steroid use, but he will not mention the names of any other players. Instead he said he’s going to talk about someone whose name rhymes with Harry Honds."
-Conan O'Brien
"Paris Hilton will do her first interview Wednesday with Larry King. They’re billing it as 'cranky meets skanky.'"
-Jay Leno
"They’re going to reveal President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they’re just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens."
-Conan O'Brien
"Over the weekend, I went to Venice Beach. I went into the ocean, got hit by a wave, and the ocean pulled my trunks completely off. And then threw me onto the beach, naked. And I think, "Well, this is not so bad. Maybe a 'Baywatch' lifeguard will come over and save me. Next thing I know, I’m getting mouth-to-mouth by David Hasselhoff. Ahhh, the taste of hamburger and whiskey."
-Craig Ferguson