"Here is something ironic. I went on eBay the other day and bought a Michael Vick doll. Turns out it’s my dog’s favorite chew toy. What are the odds of that?"

-Jay Leno

"Not such a great day for Lindsay Lohan — again. She’s telling her side of story though this time. She said the cocaine that was in her pants was not hers. It was put there by someone else. And you know what? I believe her. Hollywood is a dangerous place; people are always slipping stuff into your pants."

-Craig Ferguson

"Happy birthday to Barry Bonds! Forty-three years old today. Barry tested positive for cake."

-David Letterman

"Wal-Mart is considering investing in the retail business in China, but there are employee issues of slave labor, horrible working conditions, and brutal treatment. But China said, 'Oh, Wal-Mart is welcome any way.'"

-Jay Leno

" Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every night."

-Craig Ferguson

"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the bottom."

-Jay Leno

"Anybody here in town last week when that big chunk of Lexington Avenue blew up? Now there’s this huge crater. It’s already becoming a tourist attraction. For $50 a team of burros will take you to the bottom."

-David Letterman